The Santa Claus School

The Santa Claus School was located deep in the heart of this busy, bustling metropolis. It was imposing looking building, ivy covered, windows usually firmly shut from prying eyes especially this time of year. The school was open only during the Christmas holiday season - at least as far most people knew. The building was closed and padlocked on the 26th of December and re-opened the following December 1 for a most important event, the new Santa class was starting and by the end of the two week grueling training session, often referred to as "beast weeks," a fresh, portly, balding, bearded, jolie looking crew of graduate Santa's would appear to anxious waiting crowds including families who had not seen their loved ones in so long. The comment most often heard from the crowd was "oh look at him the poor dear, he seems so tired and I can't believe how much weight he's put on!" The Santa team waddled out proud and happy and ready to embark on a most important mission as emissaries from, well, let's just say, the Santa Claus School had some pretty powerful friends in high, cold places!

Known to only a few, and those few were sworn to secrecy before the "big guy", there existed deep below the charming little school, training facilities the likes of which Hollywood directors only dreamed of. Yes indeed, Santa City 01225 was a cavernous structure and included a replica of hometown America, suburbia, and another of an urban, congested confusing metropolis with department stores at every corner and lifelike little children running for no earthly reason other than it was Christmas time. But this particular time the lights in Santa City were shut down for the evening except, that is, for a  narrow beam of light coming from a room tucked far away in corner of Santa City.  The door to the room had a sign, whic read clear and simply: Santa Squad Room.

Inside, the room was packed - not an empty seat to be found. There was an air of merriment, excitement and festivity among the 30 Santa candidates present that evening -all dressed per instructions: matching red jacket and pants, standard issue black belt with large buckle, black boots, and red fur hat trimmed in white. Formal Santa outfits would be forthcoming on graduation. The door swung wide open, the noise subsided to a dull roar, heads turned and  Sergeant William "big Bill" Smorsky, technical trainer for class '11 came in looked around, shook his head, placed his Santa coffee cup on the dais and studied the clip board for a few minutes in silence. Without a word, he turned to the blackboard and started writing: Santa Training Class (STC-2011), Sgt. Smorsky, teacher (STC '05.) Putting the chalk down, he turned to the assembled Santa's who were now quiet as mice and watching the instructor's every move, bib Bill finally spoke in a measured but gravely voice of a true veteran:

"This is the Santa Training Class (STC-2011) better known as STC-11. If you are here for Elf-101 you are in the wrong class and I will ask you to please leave yesterday! That would mean now. Thank you"

He surveyed the class, nobody moved.

"OK you Santa-wannabe's, first things first. I've got some important announcements, so kindly stay wake and listen-up! First, once you enter the classroom you are not to be wearing your Santa hats (during your training they will be know as your "cover.") You will be issue official Santa hats at the conclusion of graduation ceremonies.  Second, there is nothing more unpleasant than to see a Santa with food stains all over his red tunic, especially yellow mustard. That would mean you, the rotund Santa-wannabe in the back row. Be a jolly 'ol soul and dispose of that hot dog now! Third, some of you actually have beards which I find commendable on your part, however the other ninety-nine percent with fakes ones, may I remind you to take them off before you eat. Watching a sweet little child pull some food from Santa's beard, which happened last season, is unsightly, uncalled for and very un-Christmas-like. Four, you have all been issued official-looking Santa boots. If you loose or misplace them you will be held liable however you are not to appear in anything other than regular school issued Santa boots. That means you don't come in here with cowboy boots, high-heeled boots (yes, we've had some), workman's boots or motorcycle boots. Lastly, a word about your uniforms. There is no Mrs. Santa Claus around to keep your outfits clean which means you all have to behave like grownup Santa's and care for your uniform. They have been issued with the understanding that each will be returned in good condition for next year's class. That means they will be returned clean with the pockets empty. As a reminder, in past years we've found, underwear -men and women's, numerous brandy and cognac miniatures, toys -not children's, magazines, subway tokens, laundry list, numerous telephone numbers written on every possible kind of paper. And photos, I don't need to explain but let me add that the Santa outfit is for Santa and belongs on Santa- not his girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, dog or even stuffed animals."

Big Bill took a breadth, hoisted his suspenders, gargled with some more 'jo and complained to himself that his back and feet were already killing him, a little bit like this class of rejects. Where did the N-Pole Recruiting Group find these sadsacks? Back in his time it was completely different, Santa's looked sharp, their uniforms crisp and clean, boots that reflected they were so shiny, beards pristine white and trimmed to regulation standards. The good 'ol days. And now he had to turn this crew into functioning jolie Santa's in less than two weeks. He wondered, who, upstairs, came up with all these stupid ideas. He sighed, probably some marketing wimp, he gulped more 'jo and continued on:

"Listen up Santa-wannabees!" he yelled clearly irritated by the returning low roar of voices.

Big Bill continued. "All of you were issued a training syllabus is that correct? Also you were given a copy of "SantaStars:  A Digest of Important Holiday Factoids"  is that correct. Bill continued on without waiting for answers. Addressing the eager Santa's, he remarked "there is one change to the syllabus that I would to point out. You may strike Roman numeral two: "Santa Claus: Myth and Reality Throughout the Centuries." If we have time at the end of training, I will attempt to cover that topic."

Big Bill, walked among the seated Santa's holding up a dog eared copy of "SantaStars." For the next two weeks, he droned on, until graduation, this book is your Bible do you understand? You will have it on you at all times, wherever you go and whatever you are doing. It contains a wealth of information about the Santa Claus story, history of the family, known living relatives, vital statistics on global travel with distance and estimated arrival times, also  key words you will have to learn in Spanish, French and Italian. You will be expected to successfully break down a sleigh in total darkness, understand the technical reasons how a sleigh with enough reindeer's to take over a third world country, can in fact fly! You will need to know this why? Because..." And here big Bill paused for effect, "because of one word..." Big Bill whispered "Authenticity."

You could have heard a pin drop. All eyes were on big Bill. 

"For those of you fortunate enough to make it through the training and actually be a Santa Claus graduate, you will be tested on a daily basis by children, some a lot smarter than you, I guarantee that; also parents, many of whom still have a long standing ax to grind with the North Pole, want to prove a point to their little loved ones that you are not the "real Santa" but a mere mall impostor of the worst sort. They will ask you questions, difficult ones, to stump you in front of the children, questions that only a real Santa (or his emissary) would know. Therein lies the real importance of "SantaStars and Authenticity"  We at the school take this very seriously!

Big Bill returned to the front of the class. He had made his point. And now for the final one of the evening.

"For many of you, I suspect this will not be an easy course to complete. If you look to your  right and to your left, one of you will not be graduating. It's just like that. I look forward to our next class. Remember to study your "SantaStars" and be ready for a pop quiz on the first 4 chapters. Good night.